Six years ago today was a day that I will always remember. Five years ago my close friend Josh died and it was my first real experience with loss. I vividly remember the evening when I found out: I was getting ready for a date with my boyfriend when my friend Dustin called and asked how I was doing. I remember calling downstairs to Mom with complete disbelief. I remember driving with my friend Paige over to his house. I remember hugging his parents and the utter heartbreak I felt when I heard his Dad tell me that just because Josh is gone, didn't mean I could be a stranger to them.
I remember calling my sister at 1am after crying all night asking her to bring me home something to eat. She brought me Wendy's chicken nuggets and I just picked at them, still unable to process what had happened. I remember going to church and truly questioning what I believed. I remember going to school and hearing kids talk about it and wanting to scream. They had no idea what had gone on, who was to or not to blame, and what the pain felt like. I remember writing about it in my column in the school newspaper and for the first time realizing what a great release writing could be.
His mom called me this morning, like she has been for the last five years, to check up on me and say hi. We casually talk about how things are going and then express just how much we miss Josh. Most years I would break down after the phone call, not sure why it still affected me so much. However, this morning after I hung up, I continued on with my day. Adam had to head off to class, I had errands to run, and it wasn't until tonight while going through the nightly routine with Rhea that it hit me. Josh died and the hurt I felt and still feel will never surmount to the pain his parents feel. I cannot imagine losing Rhea.
So tonight I'm remembering Josh. In a way, Josh helped me remember how amazing it is to be a parent and what a privilege it is. I'm not grateful he passed away but I am grateful that every year, on November 5th, I'll remember Josh by spending time with Rhea, making sure she understands just how grateful we are to have her in our little family.
I miss Josh more then words could ever describe. I think about him daily and the pain never goes away, and some days, especially this day and his birthday, the hurt, the sadness washes over me as if it were happening right now. I can remember every single thing about that day. Josh and I were really close, that is something that most people don't really know. He helped me through some really hard times, and I was there to help him through some things as well. Josh was an incredible person and I feel so blessed to know him, and all the ways he changed my life. I remember the Monday we got back to school, I walked into the bathroom and heard two freshman talking, I stood in the stall because I mostly went in there to cry for like the millionth time, one of the girls was crying about Josh, and her friend told her that she couldn't believe she was acting like that because they didn't know him at all. And the girl said she just wanted to fit in, she wanted to be apart of what was going on. I am not one to yell at people, I mostly just keep my mouth shut and walk away, but Josh meant so much to me, that I walked out and just started yelling about how selfish they were and that people were actually hurting over this, that someone lost their life and all these girls were worried about was getting attention.
ReplyDeleteMy fiance Brian was in the car accident that happened our junior year and he lost Sarah in it. Having him in my life especially on this day makes it easier, because he understands.
I am rambling and so I think I will end this here. This was a beautiful post. Hope all is well with you!
Ughh Tara, this made me ugly face cry. I too remember, and am left with the same feeling. I cannot imagine losing a child. I am so glad our time on earth is so little compared to the big picture.
ReplyDeleteLove you.